Behind The Scenes

A great deal needs doing by expedition members before a neatly packaged blog piece, often summarising the inner workings of an entire country, is ready for public consumption. I thought it might be interesting, 11 weeks in, to share some of our day to day particulars. Hopefully, this will clarify just what it is we get up to, and how we get up to it. A section on hygiene has been included – largely to garner some female interest – even if it is, as we suspect, just our mums.

Mission Portfolios

Francophone Africa and natural talent have divvied up expedition portfolios rather well. McAlpine has unbridled patience with the locals and his French is not as poor as mine. He takes care of transactions and interactions. As such, he is the treasurer – a position he has grown rather fond of. He has always kept his bond, he enjoys counting sheckles, and, he is ruthless in demanding correct amounts of small change from unschooled mango-selling children. Besides, he is very good at calculating how far in the red we are with our budget and talking about the future tightening of belts to ‘get one back on budget.’ He often says that he collects money. When I point out that most people collect money, he points out that he collects money as a hobby and in his bank account. A good man, you will agree, to have his paws on the purse strings, or, in our setting, the Kitty.

Kitty is a serious third player on the journey. You will understand why after reading some of the public exclamations Kitty induces:

Questions. Usually from Scott.

“How is Kitty looking?” 

“Where is Kitty?” 

“Have you got Kitty?” 

“I think Kitty owes me.” 

“Would you like me to look after Kitty in East Africa?”

Answers. Usually from Dave.

“Kitty is dry.”

 “I think I left Kitty on the bus.” 

“Kitty is in my pocket.” 

“No, you owe Kitty.”

 “Probably not.”

Upshots of these exchanges are twofold. People suspect we may be travelling with a lady called Kitty, or a cat. The first goes a long way in repelling the perhaps not so outlandish assumption we have occasionally endured – that we are a roving homosexual couple. The second does not. In fct, it was only a one-off encounter with a German geriatric who asked me what it is my boyfriend and I were doing out in the desert. Later on, and quite unwittingly, McAlpine locked her in the long drop.

I tend to do most of the robust domestic chores. The carrying of water, hewing of wood and strangling of small animals. Many of you may be alarmed to know that navigation is also my baby. Again, like Capitalism, I was the least bad candidate. If he isn’t cooking or losing things, McAlpine will tell me to stop faffing, being paranoid, and allowing insects to take on human characteristics in the tent. On all scores, the reprimands are deserved.

Shelter

Our tent was christened early on. We imagined the highest peak in North Africa, if it is male, would only settle for the most obedient, constant and long-suffering mistress. ‘Wife of Toubkal,’ then, was born and through many a windy, sandy freezing night, she has shown us only warmth. The very engine room of the operation and, albeit intimately clammy, the provider of a space we can call home. After water, I think that is the second essential thing out here – refuge. Mosquitoes, prostitutes and drunkards may disagree. Never mind, McAlpine brought loads of combination locks. When Wife of Toubkal sleeps alone, it is only because we have found a better option. This can be anything from a rooftop to a shared ‘hotel’ room – budget decrees. The wind and the sand and the sun are not our friends. But the trees and the rocks and water, are. Every day, a battle for shelter takes place between us all.

Lifting heavy equipment whilst cleaning up camp

Conversation

It is not running dry like Kitty, but it does follow a repetitious pattern. Motions of the bowel is a big one, but in a caring, team-spirit, kind of way. Believe it or not, it’s a rather handy conversation starter. It seems to have a profound influence on traveller’s happiness and many are often too willing to engage. Stripped of so many social limitations makes for some base conversation. If we meet someone, Dave usually starts off telling them that he has a girlfriend. After the German incident this became essential. We then go to great lengths to try and appear normal and not scare them away with our distorted reality, forged from the last 3 months with no one but the desert and us. Most of the time, however, it is just us, shooting the breeze in Wife of Toubkal, feeling safe within her canvas from the boundless night. We will ponder things like how mountains are really made, the staggering ingenuity of goats, the resignation of donkeys and why, really, Africa is always sucking the hind tit. We often talk about our charity fund. Trying to guess what the new balance may or may not be long into the night.

Reaching consensus in the 'indaba' room

Hygiene

The one you’ve all been waiting for. So have we. Hygiene comes quietly and needs a lot of nurturing.   I think we stay pretty clean. I have taken McAlpine’s sanitary advice where possible: ‘You can use your beard instead of a scrubbing brush,’ and ‘if your nails are clipped and clean you will feel clean, and that amounts to being clean.’ While we were primed for a war with mosquitoes, a smaller, less likely foe has stepped forward. I think we are being followed by fleas. They can slip through mozzy net with ease. And, they seem to work on vast underground tunnel networks that breach land between the sleeping mat and the inside of the mozzy net. If anyone has information about dealing with them, we would be most grateful. For now, we writhe in the humidity, trying not to scratch.

Fleas also ate the thatch on this rondavels

Crabwalking

The thing about crabwalking is that nobody believes they are capable of it. McAlpine crabwalks like a Trojan. But it may be me, you see. Either way, there is a lot of colliding as we lug heavy things long distances, and quickly forget the basics. Lots of crabwalking seems to be happening in West Africa at the moment. Perhaps if everyone just watched where they were going and made a little room for others’ trajectories, there’d be a lot less gloominess. 

Mostly, though, there is a lot of waiting.